January 2020 versus December 2020

I started this year being on the edge of an emotional breakdown. I had a corporate job that I worked really hard to get. It was the job that I thought would be my dream job.

I actually hated everything about it.

Back on January 2020, I was trying really hard not to show my disappointment at work and I’m a good actress.

It was February 2020 and at work I was given the award for “Most zen”. The description said that I was a positive energy that would make everybody feel better.

WTF

I was an emotional mess and this people are giving me a fucking Zen award?

What happened back on January that made me such a mess was that the strategy of the company was changing and now we were being assigned by the size of the company.

I was assigned to “Small Fish” which is how they called the small companies.

I was seriously offended.

But why? I hated the job, I hated the job description, I hated chasing potential customers and try to seal the deal.

But I worked so hard to get that type of job and pre-Covid I wasn´t planning on changing my career path. I worked too hard to get there and I thought I was too old to re-direct my life.

After receiving the award, I burst out in front of my director saying “Why was I given the small fish?”, my director was in shock.

I grabbed my bag, went to HR and told the hr person: “I´m quitting” and left.

I didn´t end up quitting of course. This happened on a Friday afternoon. During that weekend I tried really hard to put myself back together and find balance again.

I showed up on Monday with a smile on my face. I asked to speak to my director and my supervisor, I apologized and pretended it was not a big deal.

I´m a good actress and I´m manipulative. They said they accepted the apology and that they will keep an eye on me for the next month.

I had to apologize in front of my team and I also sent an email to the CEO and CFO. It was a start-up so we all knew each other.

I was march 2020, I was selling and performing well. If you bring money to the company they are happy.

Mid-March 2020, it was the first Spanish lock-down due to Covid-19. I worked from home for 2 weeks.

April 2020, I went into ERTE. This was the Spanish government help for companies where they paid me 70% of my salary.

On June 2020 the first collective redundancies happened and I was out.

This is when the change started for me.

Found myself unemployed, only surrounded by my two cats, in a middle of a global pandemic and not being able to pay the rent.

August 2020, my baby Catalina got injured and I had to put her to sleep.

By the end of August 2020 found myself unemployed, only with one cat, full of veterinary bills I couldn´t afford and not being able to pay the rent.

It hasn´t been easy for sure, but this year still has a positive aspect.

I´m rewriting my story.

2 thoughts on “January 2020 versus December 2020

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