Another brick in the wall

I met this guy and I thought that maybe it was happening again. I was going to be able to share more with someone that just a good fuck. But it didn´t happen.

Why is it that for some people is so difficult to connect on a physical level and for others is on the emotional level?

I can´t help feeling sorry for myself sometimes. Here I´m, unable to have a “normal” relationship.

I have my own issues. I was molested when I was a child. I couldn´t even say what happened to me until my mid-twenties. I knew something was wrong, but I didn´t know what it was. I couldn´t find the words. Isn´t crazy how our mind can block memories out?

Until one day I remembered. Someone I trusted was touching me. I remembered the feeling of being uncomfortable. This person kept saying to me “tranquila”, but I was confused. I don´t know how many times it happened, but remembering one time was enough for me to understand that it was real.

I think about the younger me, how innocent I was. Who would I have become if I wouldn´t have had to deal with that? Would I be a different person now?

That experience defined me for so long that I considered myself broken. Would I be a happier person if I wouldn’t have felt like a victim for so many years?

The positive thing about aging and evolving is that I no longer feel defined by what happened to me.

When I was a teenager I was a rebel, with pearcings and red funky hair.

On my early twenties I was so depressed that I took my luggage and became a nomad for years. Living here and there, flipping from one language to the other one. It worked out for a long time.

On my thirties, my priorites started to change. I needed stability.

Mid- thirties I settled down and I asked myself:

Are you able to live a normal life?

5 thoughts on “Another brick in the wall

  1. I’m sorry you went through this experience. I’m sure you would be a different person if you had a different childhood experience. Often, I wonder the same for myself. The important, it’s the recognize that those experiences changed you and find a way to move forward.

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  2. I have been abused since 4 years old when I was a child. It was very destructive to me. The artemi helped express all my pain but my past is not gone. So I understand your suffering. Sorry, can I ask if you are a girl or a boy? because my translator does not write only one genre but always changes and therefore I don’t understand well. sorry but I’m Italian.
    I could no longer eat because I didn’t want to let anything go into my mouth anymore. I couldn’t talk about this with anyone because the pain was blocking me. I drew a lot and communicated my pain but there was no teacher who could understand the monster in my drawings. I never knew who he was because my memory wrote his face. Maybe he was an uncle, a cousin, a friend of the family, I still don’t know who it was. My psychologist couldn’t hypnotize me because it was too risky for me, I could have an inner collapse. I currently suffer from distress attacks, anxiety and panic attacks. I have no friends and have had many bad relationships with boys and girls. Art was my only help because I was able to bring out the pain. But now this is no longer the case. I still paint but the pain doesn’t come out anymore and it’s destroying me. Every time I change places and I change people but the pain always remains. It’s like having hell in your guts. I take tranquilizers to be more serene. I have never taken psychiatric drugs. I should still be in therapy but often my transference is eroticized and therefore the therapy fails. Have you ever had psychotherapy sessions? Have you been helped by any psychologist?
    It was physical and sexual. It was for many years but my mind don’t remember the exact year that this finished. My mind has tried to completely erase everything. my only memories are sensory, of smells, of taste and I give fleeting visions and terror in my nightmares.
    My pieces are here:
    https://amletaispainting.wordpress.com/

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi my friend, is crazy how our minds can block memories. I didn’t remember either, but I knew something was wrong. I did therapy for a while and it helped me to put words to it. In my case, I blamed the wrong person for many years and I had so much anger inside of me. Until one day I remembered something that helped realized that it was the wrong person to blame. Still, it doesn’t make much sense, and the mind can easily play tricks on you. I’m a girl by the way, thank you for sharing. This is the healthiest way to heal.

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      1. I’ve never seen his face because probably he was a friend of my family or an uncle of mine. I remember only the smell of smoking and the taste of that orrible cream from him. Maybe now he’s already dead. But my life was destroied forever. Because I had problems with my feminine part and my body. Now it’s better but sometimes I feel sad again and I fight everyday to manage anxiety.

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      2. I´m so sorry. In my case it was a family member, which I think made it more difficult. I was not raped, but touched inappropriately. The damage is done either way.

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